Pain continued

So here I am on my bed crying again. I am so afraid. My hips and knees ache. Walking is such a blessing that we all don’t appreciate. I tried to go to work since my pain was moderately in control yesterday. I changed my mind early this morning thinking I might need to rest just one more day. Boy was I surprised when that pain came right back this morning. I actually thought I could drive. The pain was unnerving. I was In tears the whole way home. What am I going to do? What if I can never walk again? What if I lose my job? What if it’s something that can’t be fixed? What if I become a burden? I am hurting.

Hard times

Pain. You never really know how much you can handle until you really experience true pain. Physical pain and emotional pain are equally incapacitating. This has been a deeply trying year for me. First of all, I hate drawing attention to myself and this ebb and flow of flotsam pain has made me a hot mess. If I am not overwhelmed with stress, I am hurting and depressed. Now I am having the worst pain in my legs and back that I could possibly imagine. I feel like I’m constantly a big crying infant in need of attention from any source. How frustrating for a stubborn, I can do it myself kindof girl.
This past two months have been a very trying time. I have had a hard time walking every morning. It has gotten to the point that yesterday I walked ten steps and couldn’t move further, shaking with pain and collapsing to the floor. I wanted to drag myself to the room like a zombie because I was too embarrassed to let my husband carry my fat 180 pound ass to my room.
All these terrible fears and emotional traumas attached to this physical pain are pounding and wearing me down. I’m afraid I may be crippled for life. I feel that I can’t control my anxiety and stress. I know part of it is caused by my weight and I can’t lose it. I know that all of this stresses my husband out and I can’t control it.
I can’t control it. Is that what pain is? The lack of control?

Speech for 2011

We are here tonight to celebrate. And well, while some of you are used to celebrating a little more than others, this truly is an occasion for it. What a wonderful place and time for our souls to meet together. You: 13 years of waking up and wondering if you will be who you promised yourself to be, the last of those four years possibly here at Moreno Valley High School. While I, a young mother of three finally achieving her goal of finishing college and pursuing a career in teaching just four years ago. I met some of you in your eighth grade summer and watched you grow and become unique and creative individuals ready to jump into our world. I feel incredibly connected with this, with you class of 2011. I yelled at you as freshman. I challenged you as Juniors and watched you find yourselves as Seniors.

Most of you know my story. I have ADD, Dyslexia, Social Anxiety and Depression. Squirrel. I came from dark places. I grew up with government assistance, drug addiction, violence, gang life, homeless shelters, and small parental support. I am the statistic as are you. They said we couldn’t do this. Heck, we said we couldn’t do this. Guess what, I graduated High School in the top 20 of my class. I married at age 18 and had three children. I graduated RCC in 2005 with a Bachelors Degree in Humanities. I graduated from California Baptist University in 2006 with a degree in English and Literature with honors—a 3.78 GPA. Not only that, but I beat out all the younger students, winning the President’s Award for writing– which had not been won the previous 6 years and I became a teacher here at Moreno Valley High School. What now? What now.

I truly believe that we can change this world by changing our hearts and minds. Character is built by the choices we make when we think no one is looking. Henry David Thoreau says that, “What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.” How can I make a speech here without referring to your four years of English?
We may not be comfortable with our past. We may not ever want to look it in the eyes again. We don’t have a clue as to what the future holds, but what lives within us is so intense. We have the power to change everything for the good or the bad. Doctor Martin Luther King, Jr. wrote in his Letter from Birmingham Jail, that “Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.”
Today you decide. What is your Character? Will you walk in the darkness or the light?

Every year I stress for my students, you, to know three things: Who are you? What do you believe? ..and Why is it so important to you? If you do not know the answer of those things, search for them. With all of your heart, mind and soul search for the answers. Do not ever blindly follow. Lead. With a firm foundation under you, you can withstand any challenge that comes your way.
In discovering the answer to those things, find your passion and thrive. In doing so, you will find joy. Next, find a way to serve your fellow man. In doing so, you will find peace. Finally, love at all times despite hardship, pain, discomfort and loss and you will find love.
So, whether you continue on to college, university, Europe, missionary work, trade school or some amazing other experiences I haven’t thought of, I ask you one thing: Please do not sit on your mom’s, auntie’s, group home’s or your homie’s couch and watch life pass you by. You have an adventure to take:
So I leave you with advice from two of my favorite writers:
“To love would be an awfully big adventure.”
— J.M. Barrie (Peter Pan)
“To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else.”
— Emily Dickinson

Live class of 2011.

Sigh…

It has indeed been a while. The good news is that that means that I have been processing things better mentally. The bad news is that today, I cannot. Usually, when I have things on my mind, they will not leave until I write them down. I will roll them over and over again and drive myself insane. The problems I have right now are more than I can deal with. I have discussed them with a couple of friends, but I guess I have to write it out to process it all. First of all I am overwhelmed with everything: church blog, teaching, parenting, wifing, and maybe even just breathing. Alannah is my biggest stress currently. I worry about her a lot. She has so much pressure. I know that it is all of her own doing, but I think that she can’t help it. I really think it is an OCD, anxiety, issue that she needs therapy for. I guess I always thought she would grow out of it but I see that it is not going away and is becoming uncontrollable. I know so, because my own similar problems are also raging and I know how she feels. So, I am praying for a solution for this and am hoping that all works out for the better. I can’t carry this any more. Alannah’s symptoms: social awkwardness, fear of rejection, eats lunch alone daily in my room, does not have close relationships, cannot ask anyone for help, even a waitress, breaks down on assignments she does not understand and breaks into tears over any type of dissaproval or frustration from teachers, is annoying to teachers, cannot function under pressure, puts pressure on herself at all times, never just plays or has fun, works late into the night on all assignments but is easily distracted by nothing and forgets what she is doing. Me: cannot talk to people on the phone, especially business people, doctors, or the like, cannot deal with confrontation in any issue, would rather pretend it does not exist, cannot handle any type of rejection, become distant if I am uncomfortable and make my husband crazy, cry nearly everyday, cannot cope with life, constantly making escape plans, terrified of being alone or feeling lonely, overwhelmed with relationships and the feeling that I annoy others. Constant state of panic, sometimes uncontrollable. I have gone to urgent care several times thinking I had heart problems. I have had exrays and have been given inhalers….haha the whole time, just good old fashion anxiety. I hope that I can find the right solutions. We can’t live this way. I can’t put the people around me through this anymore. Pray that we can find a therapist or solution that is something we can live with. I am going to talk to some people this week. Thanks for listening….Lara. Haha you are probably the only one who reads these things.

Easter Rabbit and the Cross…Oh My.

So, raising kids is a hot mess for just about anyone. The first kid comes and you know exactly what you are doing. Shoot, if you are a young parent and taking human development at RCC, then you know for sure what is going on. Right? Well, that was me about seventeen years ago. I knew everything. I even told my kids Santa died a long time ago and that he wasn’t real when they were three. I didn’t want my kids believing in Santa more than Jesus or even worse, believing in Santa, finding out he was fake, and then thinking Jesus was fake too. Gasp. Do you know how many Grandparents and friends I upset because of this? Well, let me just confess that the next year, when they forgot everything they ever learned when they were three, Santa was back in the picture. Now, I am not saying that you should or should not include cultural celebrations or stories in your life…I am just saying that sometimes you have to let children imagine, explore, and to be ignited creatively.
Right now, I have a seventeen year old, a fifteen year old, a thirteen year old and a three year old living under my roof. The Easter bunny is a fun way to celebrate spring. However, Easter is a very solemn and serious time, perhaps the most important time of the year. Easter is when our savior was brutally beaten and murdered. How, do we let the Easter bunny trump that? How do you teach that to a three year old? We have a cultural, religious, dilemma on our hands. So, here are some of my thoughts on how to deal with this:
Teens: Have them look to the more serious and joyous events of Easter. Make it a month long time of worship. Help them to understand Jewish history and holidays. Help them understand Ash Wednesday, Lent, and the Passover. Let them actually participate in the month of Easter. It is important for teens and older kids to understand the seriousness of the leading events, the crucifixion and the betrayal. It is more important for them to understand the joy and importance of the resurrection. Here are some ideas:
• Easter April 24 (Ash Wednesday March 9)

-Lent: Lent is a time for prayer, self-denial and giving to prepare ourselves for the commemoration of the resurrection of Christ. Decide to give up something meaningful for Lent. If your family does it together, it will be a memory that lasts.
-favorite food, meat, candy, junk food, facebook, television, video games, straightening irons, texting, ipods, favorite clothing items, favorite shows/cartoons, etc.
-Read the different accounts in the Bible of the crucifixion and the resurrection. Matthew 27:27-56, Mark 15:21-38, Luke 23:26-49, and John 19:16-37.
-Find ways for kids to serve. Let them donate time, talent, and elbow grease. They can do yard work for the elderly, babysit for single moms, clean a busy mom’s house, or anything they can think of. Doing something for someone else for free is always a sacrifice for a kid.
-Creative stuff: write poetry concerning the crucifixion, resurrection, or even from a different point of view, draw or paint after reading the story, have them journal or write a letter to Christ, Have them draw their hands and write inside of them thoughts concerning Christ, service, his love, his sacrifice, and how they can have hands for Christ.
-and, well, if you are ready for it, watch The Passion of the Christ together.
Kids: Include the cultural stuff. Celebrate spring. Have them do fun activities that correlate with spring. Use this time of the year to help convey God’s creations and the beauty they hold. Also use this time of the year to explain God’s love for his creations and that he sent his son to keep us close to his heart. We can celebrate spring as the new life Christ gives us because of his sacrifice. Remember anything you do with your family shows God’s love. If you are uncomfortable with the Easter bunny, omit him. If you like the story, maybe celebrate the basket on a different day.
-plant gardens or planters
-discuss the Creation story and how God created our world and how we can take care of it. Read children’s books or children’s Bible account of creation.
-go to a petting zoo to see baby animals
-make crafts to help kids understand that Jesus loves them, and that they can show God’s love with their attitudes, actions, and life. Examples:
- example, paint a palm and stamp it on paper, draw hearts and put we show Jesus’s love with
our hands
-Make bunnies or other animals using hands in different shapes with paint or markers
-make sugar cookies with Easter themes
Easter is an important time for us as Christians. It is important that our children have their priorities in order. There is a time for the Easter bunny, Yoda, Batman, Santa and Phineas and Ferb. The story of Christ, his teachings, and his life is not meant to be a part of our day, but an underlying part of the fabric of our lives. He is not seasonal or cultural. He is not a fairy tale or a Saturday morning cartoon. Christ is in us. He is in our actions, our thoughts, our hearts. Have a family meal, dye some eggs, discuss Christ everyday. Celebrate Him in everything, everyday.

Comic Book Character

Baking is a really great way to understand life. Anyone who really knows me knows that I relate everything to food. The word character is defined as the aggregate components of what makes a person. When most people think of the word aggregate they think of the stuff that is used to mix concrete. I think of ingredients for bread. I love making bread, especially fancy schmancy bread. One of my favorites is sun dried tomato, basil and olive oil bread. That is a collection of different sources that are considered a whole, right? Well, character is who we are no matter the circumstances. I know for a fact that I am quite the character. I just didn’t know exactly what my character was for a very long time.
Most of my life has been spent drawing out and sketching exactly who I always wished to be. When I was a kid, I knew for sure that I wanted to be a beautiful fairy with flowing black hair and brilliant green eyes. As I got older, I knew that I wanted to be perfect in every way. This meant having perfect skin, beautiful vocabulary, 100 pounds, rich and witty. I wanted to be loved and adored by all with a rocking 4.0 GPA and a hot boyfriend. Then, I really got smart and realized that all of that was kind of silly and outrageous. So, I sketched my ideal: rock star, poet, forensic psychologist. Totally attainable.
Well, I got married and well…pregnant. Three times. I dropped out of college to raise my kids and to serve my husband’s every need. This began a whole new sketch book. I was planning this brilliant ideal of who I was. I was going to have the fairy tale marriage with beautiful perfect children who never did any wrong. Children who shined like the diamonds in the sky. A husband who ran to me in the sunset in slow motion with a horse is what I drew. Not to crush any dreams, but that did not happen. My aggregate was not properly mixing. My bread was not rising correctly. My character was not real. It changed with every little shift in the wind. I had no solid me to outline.
Now, I must say that I am a little older and a little wiser. I would like to say that my character has awesome muscles, a cape, and is never swayed by those evil doers and ankle biters– but I can’t. However, I do know that my ingredients are a little more stable and my aggregate is a little less fluff and more resembling of minerals and rock; a little more solid. I am who I am no matter the circumstance. My moral compass is my compass and God is my navigator. My sketchbook of who I am reflects who I am instead of who I wish to be. I am working on finding those things that add to that character. Some of my findings are: I love to spend time with my family outdoors, I have the gift of hospitality, love to write, I enjoy performing poetry, I like kickboxing(weird I know), I like tattoos, I love to talk to anyone who will listen, I enjoy cooking, I love having close friends, ministry is in everyday life and is not a label, God is the filling and not the jacket. This is my character. This is what makes me me. I may not be super, but I am comical.

Reset

Reset. Start over. New slate. These are the most beautiful words I may have ever pondered. Are our lives like an etch a sketch, scribbled with jagged lines that nearly make some sort of sense in grey and black that can be shaken and completely lost? Perhaps we are more like those weird grease slates with the plastic covers, stories etched in and dented but released with the lift of the cover. Are we a canvas that gets layers and layers of story added throughout the years? Are we a novel that is written and edited over and over? Or, are we just an electronic devise that never works properly, getting frozen and useless, having to erase everything to function properly by sticking an imaginary paperclip into the reset hole? God has told us so many times to remember his plan for us. He reminds us that we are loved, thought of, cared for and even guided through this life in countless verses. Why is it then, that we get so scarred, dented, overwhelmed…frozen? Why do we need to reset? We need to reset because we fill ourselves with so much worry, stress, and panic. We infect our lives with virus. We must reset to find God.
We all know that all things work together for the good of those that love God, and that if we trust in the Lord he will straighten our path, that even in the valley of the shadow of death he is with us and even that he loves us more than those darn flowers and birds. We know that he always comes through especially in the hard times. We know that he knows the deepest desires of our hearts–the good and the bad. Why is it so hard to know that when we feel like we want to drown? Why do we pretend that those are not truths when we are angry, hurt, or overwhelmed? St. Augustine of Hippo says that when we chase after material needs and fill ourselves with material desires, we separate ourselves from God’s plan, from his love. We forget that God is with us because we are separating ourselves from his voice.
Did you ever notice that when you are most overwhelmed, stressed out, and angry it is about some material issue? The house payment, the need to be in control of something, the desires to be noticed, the need to be accepted are all material needs. These desires consume us and make it hard for us to remember what we know deep inside. It is like a whisper in the back of our minds that we block out with our headphones. We are a jumbled mess of our own plans, needs and wants. We are overcome with this material virus. Someone! Quick! Poke me in the side with a paper clip! Reset!
When we seek God, we can hear his voice. We must look very carefully at our material life. Material things are things that we can see, touch, smell, or hear. Anything that clutters our lives to the point that they are shouting louder than God, needs to be analyzed and shelved. If the cost of our material life makes us feel like we are drowning, we must rethink our choices. If our needs and desires make us hurt and feel guilty, reset. The antivirus we need is God’s heart. Search for his voice: whatsoever things are pure and true, brotherhood, and kindness, sacrifice, servant hood, merciful and generous—think on these things. These things are the antivirus. These are the reset button.

Margins

Well guys, Christmas break is over and life is back in swing. I realized over the three long weeks of our Christmas break several things about being a parent, being a friend, a wife, and well just a person. I often struggle with the idea of being a great everything and struggle with the idea that I indeed should not struggle due to vanity, and then I struggle with what the ideal great everything really truly is. Here I am, 35 years old, married for nearly twenty years, parent of three teenagers and teaching high school having a self identity crisis. What is a truly great anything? Can I ever achieve that? Should I even try? Am I aiming for the right great everything?
I try to keep myself balanced. Balanced meaning: not screaming and yelling, calm, happy and maybe even fun. Balanced meaning: well fed, somewhat clean, organized, and on top of things. Balanced meaning: children in order, happy husband, cared for dogs. Balanced meaning: huh? Yeah, I tend to get distracted very easy. The Bible says to acknowledge God in all things. Society says that I am supposed to have an immaculate house, organic food, clean dogs, respectful children, and a really hot body. I think I may break down and cry.
My balance scale says two opposite things. What am I supposed to do when I feel good, my kids are silly, my husband is chilling but my whole house looks like a bunch of fraternity guys live here? Do I yell at everyone to stop living and clean the dang house? What am I supposed to do bathe the dogs or play with them or cook dinner or lesson plan? When am I going to find time to make sure that my house looks like Better Homes and Gardens magazines, my kids like Old Navy models, me look like a Victoria Secret Model, cook like the food network, afford organic food, lesson plan, sleep, get massages, drive kids around to violin lessons, kickboxing, hockey and church, take care of extra kids, oh my goodness I can’t breathe.
I have to stop and think what is important. If the house is clean but messy, life will go on. If my kids learn priorities, and willingly try to help and love each other but the dishes don’t get done, life will go on. If my husband has to work late, eat frozen left-overs, life will go on. If I try to be active, love myself, god and others and do not look like a model….well, I guess life will go on. What I am trying to say is that balance means that I am at peace, I have joy, avoid conflict and anger, well my balance is pretty darn good. Society is not my savior and never will be. I don’t know why I gave them a minute of my precious family time. So, here is my margin, my reset if you will: Don’t try to be what everyone else says you need to be. There is no margin there. See what you want out of life, how you can serve God while doing that and life is the margin.

Priceless

My husband and I have always cherished the arts. He is a musician and sees most things very critically and analytically. I am a writer and an artist. I like to say that I understand meanings and ideas and very rarely notice the details, kind of touch feely. Together, we make a very good match; the small things collaborate to show the big picture. We have shared these views with our children and I can see little snippets of our personalities and passions glisten in the eyes of our kids. This makes my heart sing. There is nothing I love more that being together as a family sharing passions, beauty, and ideas. A burning red sunset at the beach, a challenging piece of politics, beautiful art, a rock concert are some of the most profound gifts we have given to our children. Time, thought, discussion and touch are much more of a blessing than anything tangible ever could be. As a teacher, I so often see my students like zombies with lots of nice clothing, expensive electronics and good hair lacking these very things. My students are lonely, angry, afraid, and lost. Sometimes they have no one waiting home for them for days. They go home and sit in their room. There is no conversation. The only attention they might receive is from a text message or a quick lunch at school. They crave the smallest thing from their family: time.
I remember when my oldest daughter began middle school. Middle school is the hardest time for any kid. We like to joke and call it a “holding ground.” Middle school is where kids are judged in some of the cruelest ways. You will notice that if your kids never cared about fashion before, they do in middle school. My daughter began specifically asking for particular clothing brands, shoes, etc. She was judged based on her reading materials, clothing, electronics, hair style, and even her socks. Before middle school as long as it was girly and comfortable, she was good. This all turned into a nightmare for me. My confident, sweet girl turned into a self-conscious wreck. My first instinct was to give her everything she needed to fit in hoping to give her a better childhood than mine. However, I realized that I turned out just fine and that those hard times made me who I am today. I know this sounds cliché and very parenty, but it is true. I refused that forty dollar Hollister Tee and the Victoria’s Secret underwear. I gave her the ultimatum, if she wants these high priced items, she must pay for them. Of course, she did buy her one tee and three underwear with her birthday money. I knew that materialism was not something I wanted to instill, but self esteem. She would find self esteem in her accomplishments and not in her underwear.
So we began to ponder our options for this building of esteem. She has always been a performer. We enforced this talent and love for the arts. We put her in theater programs, music lessons, and just spent a lot of time together. Nothing can replace good old fashioned family fun when it comes to building a child up. This goes for all of my children. How many ipods and Nikes do we have to buy to realize that they will get washed, broken or stolen. Activities, love, and conversation will never fade or fall apart. I would much rather spend my hard earned money on time with my children. Forty dollars can pay for a really nice picnic at the beach. You might even be able to afford a five dollar t-shirt to wear on the trip. An new cell phone could pay for a day at an amusement park for all of you. Go on a cruise together, or to another country. Go to the art museum or to a play. Discuss what you feel and see. Read a book together every night. That is free.
Kids need to know that someone cares for them. Kids need their ideas molded and reinforced. Kids need to see good examples of life. Kids need to hear good conversation. How can we know what they think if we never ask them? How can we raise good humans if we never talk to them? How can we just placate them with things? Of course they want things, they don’t know what they want. I can guarantee that most well-rounded happy adults came from well-rounded happy families. I know that the issues that I deal with in my own life are because no one ever talked to me growing up. I don’t want my kids to feel that way when they are older.
This weekend, my children, my husband and I all went to a concert in San Diego. It delighted me to see the wonder in my daughter’s eyes, the query in my son’s eyes, the excitement in my other child. I loved seeing that we all connected in that one place, as a family listening to rock music. Find something that you and your children can embrace together. It can be music, art, politics, philosophy, literature, sports, games or just chilling together on a Sunday afternoon. Don’t just watch your kids play games either, play with them. If you feel that need to placate with the tangible, don’t do it. If you are working too much to provide the unnecessary, stop. If you are afraid to get to know each other, stop. Don’t separate your lives. Share your life together as a family.

2010 LeBlanc Christmas Newsletter

Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love! ~Hamilton Wright Mabie
2010 brought with it many blessings. This year has been a truly great year for us here in Moreno Valley, California. It has been a very busy year, but a good one.
We were lucky enough to catch quite a few concerts this year including: Muse, 10 Years, SevenDust, FlyLeaf, and more. We really love spending time together as a family enjoying our passions. We made several trips to the beach, including a very cool bike ride near where they filmed Beaches. Our friends were blessed beyond hope this year with a surprise son. So, our very sweet godson was born this year and he was named Peter. J We also got to make it out to Massachusetts this year to visit dear family: Grandpa Bob and Grandma Phyllis, Grammy Margaret, Grandmom Peggy, Grandpa John and Grandma Jean. This was really special. We toured the American Lit museums, which I LOVED, and had a wonderful Thanksgiving there.
Peter has been playing bass on the worship team for Sandals church. This has been a really great experience for him and he has made some really wonderful friends. He seems to have really recovered well from his wrist surgery last year and is tiptoeing back into a little street hockey as of late. He also has been playing a little rock music with some friends on the side, possible recording???
I am still teaching but teaching Seniors this year, as well as Honors Freshman. So everything was really new for me. I was named Teacher of the Year and got my own personal parking space. Busy, but challenging. am also very busy with teaching AVID, a college prep class. It keeps me in trainings and activities, including a cool trip to SF! On the cool side, I am writing for the church which is very fulfilling and engaging. They will be printing a magazine too!
Alannah has been a busy bee. She hosted a foreign exchange student from France this spring and will exchange again in April. We miss you Morgane! She had a really cool Sweet 16 Tea Party. She also performed in a musical at the local college, Anything Goes. She took college classes all summer from 3-9 pm which included acting, tap, singing and stage. She is currently taking a heavy load of college prep classes and is doing great. She starred in A MidSummer Night’s Dream and is currently playing Scrooge in our school’s play A MoVal Christmas Carol. She received her driver’s permit just recently! Yikes.
Melody started high school this year and of course she is doing fine. We celebrated her one year anniversary of her heart surgery in August and had a great party with an amazing fondant cake. She is planning to take a trip this summer, with her sister, to France, England, Switzerland, Belgium, Germany, and well everywhere they can get to in 20 days as Junior Ambassadors. She and Alannah are both taking violin lessons as well. Busy, beautiful girls.
Jason is back in kickboxing. He is also playing ice hockey for the Junior Reign which is the minor league for The Kings. Mimi is his number one fan! He is awesome. He loves to draw, listen to music and especially ride his really cool bike. He mostly plays forward. He is in ASB at school and is ready to move on up to High School next year.
All in all, it has been a really nice year. Fun with nephews, godkids, and best friends. Feeling closer to family than ever makes the season so much more warm. Feeling artistic, feeling inspired, feeling loved and feeling peace.
Peter, Angie, Alannah,
Melody, and Jason