Merry Christmas 2009
Well, it is that time of year again and oh, what a year. First of all let us say just how amazing life has been to us. This might have been the most exciting, breathless, and difficult year we have ever faced as a family. We have come through it with bright eyes and renewed faith. Our family is renewed and blessed.

Alannah is in the tenth grade at Moreno Valley High School. She has done an amazing job in school and participates in the Socialights club, French club, Drama club, and is on the Varsity Cheerleading squad. She starred as Annie in the spring musical debuting her singing and acting talent. She was also able to visit France in March. She stayed with the Scheffer family as a foreign exchange student attending Malerbe Lycee in Caen France for two weeks. She is also taking guitar lessons as if she weren’t busy enough!

Melody is in the eighth grade at Vista Heights Middle School. She is also attending Canyon Springs High School in the mornings to take Geometry. She has a heavy load and manages it well. Melody was supposed to visit China this year but her trip was postponed due to her surprise heart surgery in August. It was very upsetting to cancel her trip, but thank God that we found out she needed the surgery before she left. Her surgery was extremely successful thanks to Dr. Bailey at Loma Linda Hospital. Her aorta was replaced and she has a brand new ticking mechanical valve. Melody is also taking violin lessons, loves to draw, and hide in her room with the laptop playing on face book, Sims, and other fun stuff.

Jason is in the seventh grade at Vista Heights Middle School. This year he has really upped his game. His grades are awesome! He has joined the associated student body, ASB, and has really taken an interest in school. He helps with music, dances and other school activities. His ASB teacher says he really proved her wrong, he surprised her with his work ethic and great behavior. He was also playing defense and goalie for ice hockey. He is hoping to take that up again next season. He loves to build things and take them apart. He has recently been working on lawns and making extra money.

Peter has had a rough year. Not only did he have to worry about the rest of us, but he was struggling with the healing of his wrist. He messed up his tendon a while back playing hockey. He was frustrated because he couldn’t play hockey or music. After several treatments, casts, and doctor visits, it was decided that he needed surgery. His surgery in October seems to be successful. They shaved off the damaged mess and moved his tendons, made him wear a cast and take off work for what seemed like forever. He was finally able to return to work right after his birthday in November on light duty. He has been doing great and even playing guitar again.

Well, as you can see, I have had it rough. I had to worry about a kid in another country, worry about another kid going even further, deal with a frustrated husband who couldn’t play, worry about my kid having her chest opened and pieces replaced, a bored husband not working, worrying about not getting paid enough and not being able to do anything with his hand, and everything else…but I guess I made it through just fine. I have taken on some extra work this year. I am teaching AVID, (lots of extra work and training), tutoring, an extra class, and working with a Creative Writing Club and Theater. I was nominated for teacher of the year against some of my best friends. It was hard to lose it but exciting to see my loser friend David win it. I also got to dance to Thriller in front of the entire school with some other crazy teachers. It is busy but I love my job. I love that my daughter is there with me.

We have had a blast with our dogs, our friends, and family. We have felt so much love and support. People we didn’t even know blessed us with food and cards. Others offered vacation time, money, and lots of help. My students all sent cards to Melody even though they barely knew me. We got a surprise visit from Grandpa Bob, friends were at our side, and family was right there ready to help with everything. If anything, this rough year was God’s way of telling us just how much he loves us. If we seemed to disappear off of the face of the earth this year, please forgive us. Life has been a roller coaster of emotions, stress, and heart ache. We love you, appreciate you, and thank you for not giving up on us with your prayers, help, and thoughts.
Love,
Peter, Angie, Alannah, Melody, and Jason

Every summer my family and I love to go to the beach. We pack up our chairs, make brilliant lunches, grab the toys and load the car early, wait scratch that, as soon as we can get up and out of the door. We often go every weekend if we can manage to schedule it just right. One thing that I cannot go to the beach without is my lip-gloss. I have recently discovered that I love expensive lip-gloss. I am a frugal person, so it is kind of strange that I would splurge to buy this frivolity, but what can I say? My lemon lip-gloss is pure lemony joy despite its eight dollar price tag. One evening after a great day at Corona Del Mar Beach, my love for my lip-gloss was tested. It was a show down: my son, my fingers, or the lip-gloss.

We were tired, hungry, sandy and wet. Five of us were packed in our little Scion XB and miserable. We always debate on whether or not to just go straight home or avoid traffic by eating dinner on the way. So, after driving five miles, twenty minutes later– we spot a Don Jose’s. I love enchiladas like a teacher loves vacation. My proverbial hand shot up to give the greatest answer in history: Let’s eat there! Dinner was on everyone’s mind, so my husband moved to the lane heading for the exit and enchiladas were in my sight.

We shuffled out of the car. Girls bothering boy, whining, complaining, pushing–the usual. We were seated quickly and began the feeding process. I ordered my favorite, enchiladas of course. Cheesy, oniony, yummy goodness with rice and beans of course. My picky children munched on their taquitos with no sauce, no quacamole, boring food. We laughed and recounted fun wave episodes, silly sand problems, and weird beach goers. We discussed next time and sipped iced tea. It truly was a great meal.

When finished, my girls and husband decided to use the bathroom before the long, dark ride home. My son had very chapped lips from the hot sun and salt intake and was desperate. “Mom, do you have chapstick?” I replied with a no, just my lip gloss and he was actually so in need of lip rescue that he accepted my lemon goodness. ‘Weird, but okay’ I thought as I handed it to him. I watched as he opened the lid and put it on the table. I made sure I kept my eyes on that lid at all times. He made a mess, he had that petroleum mess all over his mouth, definitely unskilled with lip gloss application. He put the lid back on and wiped his mouth with his sleeve. Then he started playing with the tube as if it were a miniature skateboard. “Hey,” I said disgruntled, “that’s an eight dollar tube of lip gloss! Be careful.” He continued to play and then before I could do anything about it, my lip gloss disappeared into the seat of the round family booth we were sitting in. I, in shock, thought to myself, he better get that lip gloss or he is going to die. So I verbalized that thought immediately.

“Mom, I’ll get it. Calm down. It is right here in between the cushions,” he assured me. My temperature began to rise and I looked around me at the happy families quietly enjoying their meals around me. I sneared, “That is a ten dollar tube of lip gloss and it is brand new. Find it now.” He disappeared under the table only to find out that the cushion was covering a hole that went straight to the floor. Great. Just great. He looked at me and realized I was losing my temperature and ensured me that he would find it. I told him in my best passive aggressive calmness to forget it but he continued to assess the situation. He lifted the cushion, promising to pay for the lost treasure, and reached his hand down into the blackness. I continued to look around to see if anyone was watching.

This is where I began to feel ashamed and embarrassed of myself. Here my poor, tired son in trying to do the impossible all because I made him feel bad about my stupid seven dollar lemon gloss made from petroleum jelly. I felt like a jerk. I calmed down and told him, “let’s try and see if we can work together.” He lifted the cushion and I stuck my hand down into the hole. All of a sudden, tears came to my eyes as the most painful jolt shot through my hand. I pulled my arm out as fast as I possibly could and my son’s eyes grew large as he watched me hold my fingers in front of my face with all of my strength. “What’s wrong mom?” he begged as he saw the tears run down my cheeks, air moving quickly in and out of my nose.

My husband and girls finally returned from their bathroom expedition. They slid in and started annoying each other. My son was quietly fidgeting. My husband saw me and looked at me strangely, his mouth curled up and eyebrow raised. By this time I was pulling ice from my tea and wrapping my hand with napkins. “What’s going on?” he asked. I didn’t know what to say. Jason explained the whole episode leaving out the explanation of my fingers because he was still clueless. I tried to speak and all that could come out was the words “maybe a mouse trap?” My husband didn’t know whether to laugh or help. He forced me to show the damage and assessed that this was no mouse trap and sent me to wash my hands.

I went to the bathroom holding my hand like it was going to fall off. Of course there was a man in there fixing the sinks. He left quickly and I began to wash my hands. Of course, the man left the pipes open and all of the water poured into the bucket underneath. As if I didn’t have enough to worry about. I left quickly and returned to the table to find my husband and son taking the booth apart. Mind you, no one has noticed anything, not even the waiters. My husband looked at me and said, “Let me see your fingers again.” I pulled the paper towel off of them, I had a red and purple stripe across my three middle fingers and they were already swelling. He flinched, “Well, it was a rat trap. You are lucky your fingers aren’t broken.” We quickly paid the bill and left.

I was too embarrassed to say anything. We didn’t complain about the bad service, the rat trap, or the broken sinks. I never in my wildest dreams thought that enchiladas and lip gloss would get me into so much trouble. Now, every time we go to the beach, we laugh and point every time we pass that place. Both ways. This story will forever be snuggled in the back of my mind every single time I gloss my lips, eat enchiladas, and go to the beach. I guess the moral of the story is: Never get between a woman and her lip gloss or you might just get hurt.

Well, for someone who sure is an emotional and mental rollercoaster I am on one coasty highway. It seems as if I have finally leveled out. I feel as if I am level headed, calm, collected and little hints of inspiration and creativity. I feel not happy, but calm. Happiness is there, don’t get me wrong, it is just not ecstatic moments of exuberant joy…just peace. That is a good thing.
I, and my family, are hanging in the moment waiting for what is to come. That is no longer a worry for me. I know God makes good decisions and am not worried that he might drop the ball. I feel ready for whatever outcome may arrive. It’s cool. My dad, hopefully, no longer feels attacked or betrayed and I have a good feeling. Also can’t wait to visit Ohio. sigh.
I bought a new computer yesterday. I hope this allows me to be creative and pick up my writing. I think I had to stop a while. God wants to speak to me and I know He will help me create a beautiful testament to Him and His influence in my life.
Last week I was confronted with so much negativity. I understood that I forgot where I came from and how truly lucky I am. Weird enough, it gave me new outlook and perspective on the crazies I work with and myself. Even though I said I hate you and F you all. Oops…mybad.
I am proud to be real with myself, others and God and continually preach that to my students. So yeah…F you all.
hahahah.
Much love. Much creativity. Speak to my spirit and shine in my eyes.
Ohblahdi Ohblahda Life goes on yeah! lalalaal life goes on.

So all of this crap with my mom has really shaken me.  All of my life I have questioned myself, second-guessed myself, wondered if I am good enough…I could go on.  I seriously deal with the great fear of rejection on a daily basis.  I hate that it rules my thoughts, I fight it, but it is always there.  Why wouldn’t it be?  My dad didn’t think I was worth fighting for.  I didn’t really have a lot of friends growing up. I didn’t fit in with anyone most of my life.  Ugh.  So as I got older I decided that I am not worthless and I don’t have to run before someone doesn’t like me.  I have worked really hard to be comfortable with myself.  I enjoy my crazy sense of humor and if others don’t then I am usually okay with it.  I know that I am a little white trash sometimes, and enjoy and embrace that too.  I am ditzy (which is hard to play up in my profession but I do somehow), spacy and a little ADD and forgetful and I can deal with that.  My heart, my compassion, my fire and creativity seem to balance everything out and keep my happy. 

I have learned to be real with others, myself, and God.  I am the way I am in front of my boss, my students, church people, my best friends and perfect strangers.  I have moved away from the whole “let’s put on a show so they will like me” phase of my life.  Well, mostly.  Everyone knows the real me except my mom and Peter’s mom.  I have never been able to get close enough to her or comfortable enough with her to just relax. She is constantly telling me what to do, how to do it, and how I am doing it wrong.  This has been a real struggle for me.  Over the past ten years I have tried to make our relationship deeper and more realistic but she gets upset so easily that I just back off.  My natural instinct is to just run and keep myself safe.  It is hard to be vulnerable.

Sadly, all of my defenses have been down.  When everything flew at me all at once recently, I couldn’t put on my usual act.  I finally told her how I feel.  And guess what, I am tested immensely in the one area I am weakest.  My mom has rejected me.  I have been walking around saying I was “divorced”.  All because I told her she is negative and she said something inappropriate.  Now it may seem that I am trying to manipulate here in this blog, but this is my personal diary and if it is read, that is the reader’s fault and not mine.  I just need to get it out.  But seriously, rejected by my own family hurts.

On top of this, now I find that my dad’s little girl is not safe or okay.  In order for her to find her place of sanctuary, I may have to betray my father causing him to reject me as well.  This is hard.  But I heard God speak several years ago warning me this would happen and prepared us for her arrival into our lives.  I am terrified.  I love that little girl but I don’t want to traumatize her.  I am scared that if I get her someone will try to take her away.  I am scared that this will cause an upheaval of mess.  I know that if it is meant to be all things will work together and that God has a plan for her little life.  I want her so bad, but I don’t want to try to manipulate God’s will either. So, God, help us make good decisions.

I am also grateful for my Auntie Glenna.  I forgot how much I love her.

RemoveAngela Sue Leblanc So i warned you that the big fat camel might break. Look at me, all over the floor, in pieces. Do you think we can find them all?
Yesterday at 11:29pm via Twitter · Comment · Like / Unlike · View Feedback (4)Hide Feedback (4)
Forrest CokelyLove it is kindness that defines you, not fear. From that safe low spot pull the pieces together– THEY ARE ALL THERE. Remember the sweet song that does not stop in your heart– and know that i am humming along with– we have harmony, and are a chorus.

After an argument between my mom and melody last night my mom left.  She was complaining about the type of stitches Melody received and Melody became frustrated and sarcastically said she “wanted to slap her right now.” My mom became upset and asked her if she would be happier if she left and never came back.  She left refusing to discuss the problem and Melody left to her room in tears.  Ugh.

My email to mom:

I know you were upset when you left. I also know you were upset last week when Melody wasn’t feeling well and was grouchy. You have to understand that she is a little kid and doesn’t understand how to deal with her emotions. She will take out on those she feels most close to first. You have to be the adult and understand that she will do this. You can’t take it personally and can’t attack her if she does. I know that what she said to you was inappropriate. I plan to speak to her about that, but the way you kept pushing her was uncalled for. Right now she needs to heal.
You also have to understand that she was given the best possible everything available to her. She had a world renowned doctor that we had to fight for, an amazing life saving surgery with impossible abilities. Mom, without this surgery I would have lost my daughter. Can you imagine what we are all going through right now? She has no choice of the medication she is given. It is the medicine or not survive. You can’t make us feel bad about the medicine she has no choice but to take. You can’t be frustrated with the kinds of stitches she has or the kind of home care we were given. We have what we have and I am amazed and thrilled with her recovery.
Melody is comfortable and happy. She is frustrated with how many times she has to hear about her own problems. She doesn’t want to talk about them and she doesn’t like when people talk about them around her. She has a very low stress tolerance right now and has had this problem since she found out about the surgery. Could you imagine what it must be like to be first told that you might have to wear a back brace 24 hours a day, then told you can’t go on a trip you have been training for for a year, and then told that you have to have a surgery or you could die? That is a lot for a little kid to have to deal with.
I am sorry that you are the one she took it out on. You also have to know that if you don’t talk about things, in the right place, they will never resolve. It is not okay that you told my daughter that maybe she would be happier if you never came back the day she came home from the hospital, or ever. You will have to apologize to her and be the bigger person. I would hope that you would never mean such a terrible thing. We love you.
I meant it when I said you speak too much of the negative. I want you to work on that around us. We don’t care who is trying to kill us, who is trying to listen to our phone calls, or how the world is going to end, and how I am going to die from what I eat, read, or listen to. I am a grown woman with a family. Let me decide those things. I like to trust God and be happy with the life he has given us. Mom, I am happy. You need to be happier. Stop worrying about everything and just enjoy life.

Reply:
Angela, i understand that Melody is going through a lot now, and you are doing all you can. However, no i will not tell her i am sorry for saying what i did after she told me that she would slap me and looking at me as if she could stab me with her eyes. A person can be sick a person can have many reasons to be sad but not to be hateful to anyone. I simply ask a question about the stitches because i have a little medical terminology form education and from job and the patients that tell me things now for 14 years. However according to what this says i seem to know nothing in the medical Field so i leave this along. You can copy this to Peter if you wish as it was like you are making sure that all must go through him what you tell me. I step down my child no more to say.

I meant what i said. I did not know that i brought doom and gloom to your home and family so if this is so it is best that i do not advise you as a mother or visit your home and stay out of the way so that i do not bring doom and gloom to your home and family.

My Reply:
I am going to give you some time and space. I don’t want you to apologize for what you said, I just want you to apologize for telling Melody you never want to see her again. I never want to have you out of my life or the lives of my family. I don’t mean to say you bring doom and gloom, I just think you worry about too many things. I don’t think you are stupid or you don’t know anything medically. I think you know a lot about the medical field. You just get to hear all of the bad stuff. I love Peter and wanted to make sure what I said wasn’t mean spirited and I do tell him everything, especially when it hurts this bad. I just wanted to talk to you and you left. I just want you to not be so worried about everything. I love you and you can decide when you want to come back. Melody loves you too.
I am broken.

My new year of teaching has been stellar! I have amazing students and LOVE my classes. I did start with a bit of a chip on my shoulder because of the lack of Hannah, but now I am free of that burden because she is back! What a relief. I am having a little bit of a hard time because one of my classes is really over, but I am hoping by Monday that problem will be relieved.
I began my reading today for my kids. I really enjoy reading to them. We are reading Copper Sun by Sharon Draper. I think I might really like this book. I already almost cried in the first two chapters.
Speaking of crying, a lot is going on stress-wise. Melody is scheduled for surgery this Friday and Peter is scheduled for surgery on Tuesday. I got up in front of all of my classes today and explained my situation to the kids. I wanted them to be prepared for my absences. It was really hard to do and very emotional. They were awesome. I feel so connected already to students I don’t even know yet. Some kids offered their prayers, many were very emotionally moved, it nearly brought tears to my eyes. No wonder I do this job. I love my job. Think of me and my family in the next few weeks. It is gonna be rough. But, we feel loved by many.

When Melody was born I was so happy I had the perfect healthy child. If you don’t remember, Alannah’s birth was a nightmare. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong, well not everything I guess. She was in the nicu for two weeks and I was a disaster. So when Mel came out with her cute little curly hair, round head, and healthy body, I was ecstatic. Then…she was always sick. Crap was everywhere, vomit everywhere. Found out she was lactose intolerant, when she was two. That began the spiral of issues for her. It was amazing to hear that for once her tummis did not hurt. I was so happy. Then, I noticed that Melody was always directly in front of the television. I know that this in not entirely unusual because the tv has powers of its own, but it was all of the time. She also always held books up to her face like she was smelling them. When she wanted to talk to you she would get up in your face and touch it. So, genious that I am, made an eyedoctor appt. The eye doctor was schocked and didn’t know how to confront me. She made an appt. for me to see a pediatric opthamologist. The opthomologist gave me the bomb, “Have you ever heard of Marfan’s Syndrome?” Um no. I was scheduled to see pediatricians, heart doctors and an eye surgeon. Melody was scheduled for surgery. We had to make the decision to let our baby be put under and have her lenses removed from her eyes. They said that the lenses had no connective tissues holding them on at the top making her legally blind. The surgery would also make her blind and she would need glasses until she was older when they can do a transplant. Ugh. What a heavy weight. So we went through with it. My poor baby had to walk around looking like a pirate with patches on her eyes. She had to go through that surgery twice. As time went by, she got taller and taller, but the eye doctors were able to fit her with contact lenses, which were a nightmare, and glasses where she can see nearly 20/20.
Now she goes to a pediatric cardiologist every six months to check the size of her aeorta. With the syndrome, her aeorta (sp?) cannot stretch and retract, it only grows larger and thinner when pushed. We have to monitor its size in case its size gets critical. We have been told that she will eventually need surgery from the beginning. This is no surprise. However, after finding out that Alannah has scoliosis, we thought we should check Melody as well. Crap, she has it worse than her sister. Mel has to wear this annoying giant plastic brace 23 hours. I think she hates this more than anything. It is really uncomfortable. She says the doctor told her she hides her scoliosis very well. Just another condition brought to you by Marfan’s. Thanks.
So, when we found out that Mel can’t go to China, which we have been preparing for for a year, we were hurt for her. What a let down. I was terrified for her anyway, the wall of China was my biggest fear. All of those steps, so it is kind of a relief, but a sad one. What if something would have happened there? Oh my God. Anyway, the idea that a heart surgery is in our very near future is a little daunting, I know that everything will go okay and Mel will be alright. We will just have to go with the flow. It is hard not to carry the burden around with me. That I have to let go. I do kind of wish that she would just break down and let her emotions out. I know she is mad and scared, she just won’t show it. She talks crap about anything Chinese related. Hehe. It is funny. I guess I just need her to let go of her load too. It is hard to see my husband so frustrated too. He is looking better. No more red eyes. We will be okay.

My Song

She reaches and touches my face to ensure that it is really me
She grasps my arms in the softest place and feels my soul
Her eyes say so much
But see so little
It hurt to let the knife touch you
It hurt to know that you, so delicate and so very small
Were alone
Asleep
In danger.
We watched you bumble around
Patches on your eyes…haha like a pirate.
The day you saw a bird for the first time
My heart leapt.
Then,
We learned about your heart.
It is delicate–fragile.
You can’t run with the other children.
You don’t want to.
It is no big deal-you with your silly bubble glasses.
You would rather read anyway.
Alright.
You know she needs braces now.
Are you kidding me?
I have to tighten the device every night in the back of her throat?
It is no big deal, I guess.
By the way, her spine is crooked.
She needs to wear this silly giant back brace.
For twenty three hours a day.
It makes my stomach flat mom.
I am going to be up front with you
Because that is how I am,
Her heart is at a critical stage.
You might want to see the cardiologist before you let her go to China.
If I don’t go to China
I will just go to Italy.
Or read a book.
Can we go to the book store today? Use dad’s credit card. I will pay you back later.

Neurotic
Handle me with a chain
I will hand it to you with the key
Listen to it clank
Yank my head back
With a thud
Force my heart
To stop
Will not break
Will not take
What you see
And become what you need,
What I need–
Sanity
Rationality
Entity
Perhaps a little white coat
With buttons and frill
And straps
Pad my walls
Stifle the sound
Take my mind with you as you leave.
As a courtesy to
Them.
Standards
Break them
Tide
Ebbs
Find me drowning
In this
Colloquial mess.
Atrocious
Verbosity
Language Barrier
Philological
Etymological mess
Grammatical error
Personal space
Violation.
Gag.