So all of this crap with my mom has really shaken me. All of my life I have questioned myself, second-guessed myself, wondered if I am good enough…I could go on. I seriously deal with the great fear of rejection on a daily basis. I hate that it rules my thoughts, I fight it, but it is always there. Why wouldn’t it be? My dad didn’t think I was worth fighting for. I didn’t really have a lot of friends growing up. I didn’t fit in with anyone most of my life. Ugh. So as I got older I decided that I am not worthless and I don’t have to run before someone doesn’t like me. I have worked really hard to be comfortable with myself. I enjoy my crazy sense of humor and if others don’t then I am usually okay with it. I know that I am a little white trash sometimes, and enjoy and embrace that too. I am ditzy (which is hard to play up in my profession but I do somehow), spacy and a little ADD and forgetful and I can deal with that. My heart, my compassion, my fire and creativity seem to balance everything out and keep my happy.
I have learned to be real with others, myself, and God. I am the way I am in front of my boss, my students, church people, my best friends and perfect strangers. I have moved away from the whole “let’s put on a show so they will like me” phase of my life. Well, mostly. Everyone knows the real me except my mom and Peter’s mom. I have never been able to get close enough to her or comfortable enough with her to just relax. She is constantly telling me what to do, how to do it, and how I am doing it wrong. This has been a real struggle for me. Over the past ten years I have tried to make our relationship deeper and more realistic but she gets upset so easily that I just back off. My natural instinct is to just run and keep myself safe. It is hard to be vulnerable.
Sadly, all of my defenses have been down. When everything flew at me all at once recently, I couldn’t put on my usual act. I finally told her how I feel. And guess what, I am tested immensely in the one area I am weakest. My mom has rejected me. I have been walking around saying I was “divorced”. All because I told her she is negative and she said something inappropriate. Now it may seem that I am trying to manipulate here in this blog, but this is my personal diary and if it is read, that is the reader’s fault and not mine. I just need to get it out. But seriously, rejected by my own family hurts.
On top of this, now I find that my dad’s little girl is not safe or okay. In order for her to find her place of sanctuary, I may have to betray my father causing him to reject me as well. This is hard. But I heard God speak several years ago warning me this would happen and prepared us for her arrival into our lives. I am terrified. I love that little girl but I don’t want to traumatize her. I am scared that if I get her someone will try to take her away. I am scared that this will cause an upheaval of mess. I know that if it is meant to be all things will work together and that God has a plan for her little life. I want her so bad, but I don’t want to try to manipulate God’s will either. So, God, help us make good decisions.
I am also grateful for my Auntie Glenna. I forgot how much I love her.