ohblahdi’s Weblog

{October 5, 2010}   Friendship

As an only child who grew up fairly sheltered in this world with a single mom who rarely gave conversation, I can say that I have lived a pretty solitary life. I didn’t grow up fighting over toys or crayons, chasing someone over a ball or toy, argueing about ideas or politics or even partcipating in something simple like sharing cookies. I had the occasional neighborhood friend here and there who found it fun to spend time playing school or barbies. Most of my cousins lived out of state. If they didn’t they ended up moving out of state.
I have deep issues with the idea of abandonment and therefore always am sure that someone will leave or want to leave eventually for some reason or other. Sometimes, I want to leave first so I don’t have to watch someone actually make that decision. I have had a couple of deep connected friends for short periods of time. I even remember one of those friends making the comment that in the future we would be on a talk show discussing how we drifted apart over the years. Somehow even she knew that we wouldn’t be close forever even though we wrote BFF on everything. I had no idea how correct her thinking was, with or without the talk show.
Are friends really supposed to be forever? Are we really supposed to have that one good friend? Am I delusional in thinking that there is supposed to be someone out there who wants to know what I did today, everyday? Am I really searching for some phantom family that I never had? Or, are people just too afraid to make relationship promises. Are they afraid that someone might actually get close enough to see the real them? Are they afraid that someone might find out their secrets? Why do people run from me and hide everytime I get close enough to really feel connected?
I hate wondering for weeks on end whether or not this is a friend. I am not kidding. I will think, no it is an aquaintance, a colleague, a church member. Friend? Maybe….no just a colleague. Friend? Time together, gifts, text messages, dinner…Friend? Yes! Text message, no answer. Friend? nope. not this time. Oh wait, they invited me over! Friend for sure. Weeks go by. Nope, not. Ugh. I am so tired of reaching out and reaching out. Of being let in and then pushed out.
Are friends seasonal? Am I just supposed to have them occasionally and then switch them out with my autumn table cloth? Are friends supposed to float in and out? Am I supposed to be okay with this? I don’t know. I think maybe I have no real idea or maybe society has no idea of what a loyal and true relationship is supposed to be.


absolutededication says:

My dearest friend is someone that I get to see infrequently. She and I have known one another since my junior year in high school. We have been best friends for most of our lives, but, you’re right, there are things that she and I don’t share with one another. I know she loves me unconditionally, but I can’t always bare my soul to her. I’m pretty sure that I don’t necessarily have that in anyone, though oddly my mother has been the closest to that of late…

My point is more along the lines that I don’t always have to have contact with my Char-Char to know that she is my best friend. I’ve also been blessed with an excellent roomie (who I sometimes don’t really get to talk to either, because of our busy schedules), which is a friendship that I see growing.

And, if I may say, I do believe we are friends, even if we only see one another at work, and even though we may not be too close, because I do trust you, respect you, worry for you, hope for you, and many other verbs that are connected to friendship. 🙂

Thank you for posting in your blog!

Lara says:

My best friend in high school married one of my brothers. My other best friend in high school was toyed with and rejected by another brother. Luckily, my third brother married a total stranger to me!

And am I going to sound too corny and cliche if I say that my husband is my best friend now?

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