ohblahdi’s Weblog

{November 13, 2011}   Hard times

Pain. You never really know how much you can handle until you really experience true pain. Physical pain and emotional pain are equally incapacitating. This has been a deeply trying year for me. First of all, I hate drawing attention to myself and this ebb and flow of flotsam pain has made me a hot mess. If I am not overwhelmed with stress, I am hurting and depressed. Now I am having the worst pain in my legs and back that I could possibly imagine. I feel like I’m constantly a big crying infant in need of attention from any source. How frustrating for a stubborn, I can do it myself kindof girl.
This past two months have been a very trying time. I have had a hard time walking every morning. It has gotten to the point that yesterday I walked ten steps and couldn’t move further, shaking with pain and collapsing to the floor. I wanted to drag myself to the room like a zombie because I was too embarrassed to let my husband carry my fat 180 pound ass to my room.
All these terrible fears and emotional traumas attached to this physical pain are pounding and wearing me down. I’m afraid I may be crippled for life. I feel that I can’t control my anxiety and stress. I know part of it is caused by my weight and I can’t lose it. I know that all of this stresses my husband out and I can’t control it.
I can’t control it. Is that what pain is? The lack of control?


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