ohblahdi’s Weblog

{December 25, 2012}   Mom

I do not wish to be thought of as a china doll or something you pull out of box for you to see once a year.

Daddy spoke words to me when I was a young girl “do not were out your welcome girl” this may have been what I have done with you and your family and offended your friends. Through the year I have observed that I am not received as someone of value in your home. I am seen as a silly strange woman. Did you still that granny, or I am interrupting something or someone.

Your friend Elizabeth is so valued in your heart that you would drive many miles to just be with her, you make sure you call and talk or when she is there you talk many hours. You may not know when she is there, but you make sure to call her so that you can visit.

I see you invite your friends out to dinner or you make a big dinner and invite them, you call them to make sure they know about you wish them to be with you.

I am pleased you enjoy them and you have means to have all of these things above. You only make it known to me when it is like the china doll or teddy bears time to be taken out. You have not called me in so long to say I love you unless I say to you. You have not wish to come and visit, and you have no idea how to even talk to me, like how are you mom are you okay, I just called because, do you need help, I just wish to call.

You do not seem to even think of the things I made known to you on Thanksgiving that I will not ever speak or you do not even wish to know like the words “don’t ask don’t know” lets put mom on the back burner because she is someone that will say or do something that your friends may not like. You will not find me as the china doll or the teddy bear; I will not come to where I am really not wanted. You did not even respond back when I told you I cry so at night because it was not a concern to you to even want to know why. You wish not to really want to talk with me it is not a heart felt concern.

When I was a child it broke my heart to see mom drinking and all of the hurts she instilled onto me with her words like a knife that cut into my heart. However, once she put away her dinking, I found her back and I latched onto her and received her as the woman she was when I was a small girl. I wanted to be with her all the time she made me feel loved again.
My aunt Pauline how I enjoyed being with her, she was my rich aunt that she could have spoiled me, but I only wanted to be with her to enjoy a meal with or to have her come up behind me and grab me and say boo! Just to make me laugh. I would call her, I would write her even though she was not that far I made sure that I contacted her. Your children do not have time to contact me they are too wrapped up in themselves and I would not fit into their time or they must be with their special friends.

So, I will not be the china doll or teddy bear I do not feel welcome or even wanted in your life or your family, you have your most valued ones you wish to be there with you and to spend time to talk with you and enjoy.

If you ever feel you wish to have a relationship with me you will let me understand that that and you will put your heart into the time and efforts.

I must have raised you in a way that now you seem to resent all of my teachings all of my efforts. I give you my best, I stayed home with you. I protected you, I installed God and church into your heart, I made sure you could read, each night as a child I pored stories into your heart however I must have not been the right woman to raise you because now I find you feel that I failed your or could be I was too hard on your would not allow you to just go and be at that ones home or at the time or place you wanted so to be.

My words are not that valued to you so they are not to bring anger or resentment it is best that I be quite and there I will stay until I see you choose to be with me as I see you choose to be with the ones that are most important the ones you choose to have long talks with. I will not be the china doll or the teddy bear that you bring out when it is that special day to be seen and not heard.

Me:I have never been good enough for you. You pushed me out of your life with constant rejection. You never tell me straightforwardly how you feel. You wait until you blow up. I am sorry that I am not the daughter you dreamed of. When one doesn’t feel wanted they will pull back. I tried to wait for you. I asked what was wrong and now it seems you have officially made the decision to cut me off like a plant. I too feel like a porcelain doll that you put in your mind. You can’t accept me or my kids for who we are so you put us on a shelf. You wait until bed time to visit and leave before we wake up. You have refused to come to birthdays or any celebrations after so many refusals I stopped asking. I do love you and I do treasure you. But I can’t keep getting rejected. It jury’s too much

not mad at you or anyone, however you will never understand me or even understand till you ask Creator He will give you understanding; once you choose to see me for who i am and not just someone; i have been your age i can tell you many things, however you have never been my age if you choose to see me as just someone you will never understand


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: