ohblahdi’s Weblog

{December 27, 2012}   Healing with new wounds

After nearly five months of free and unchained life, I have finally been hit with challenges. My last post kind of showed signs of breakage. I have said and written so many times that I was picking up my pieces or falling apart, or that that last piece has slid off. For five months I have lived without pain, anxiety, depression or the need to revert to my safe sanctuary of isolation. I couldn’t figure out how all of that could just disappear when it had become the rhythm of who I was. Who I am. I lived with constant inadequacy. Lived with self hatred and no reason to wish for true peace or true happiness. I didn’t deserve it. This new life I had found included peace. It included self sacrifice that brought joy and not self denial. It gave me new life. Now I feel that my recent insurgence has shaken my enemy so seriously in anger that this rage has grabbed my throat hoping to grip my heart and rip it out. It has threatened my breath causing panic, shortening my gasps for air. The old fears are being summoned and sung to. They are being called with a force that I am not sure I can withstand. Was I meant to be the victim forever? Was I meant to live in the mud of desertion, abandonment and rejection? Ugh. There is a tug of war. Me or her. If I save me will she fall?


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